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Too foolish to talk about -

I'm telling you, it is some good to be home. After spending almost two weeks in a hospital, I realize there is a lot to that old saying, 'home sweet home.'

I had a close call again. If I never went to the hospital when I did, my carcass would have been rendered into ashes and dumped near the Goose Ponds.

You know, while in that hospital, I got to thinking about death. What would it be like if we were born with the knowledge of knowing when we were going to die. I guess we all have different ways of looking at that. For one thing, if we know we are going to die, there would be no excitement in life. If we know when we are going to die, why work hard, build a beautiful house? That would take the fun out of life.

Life is living for the unexpected. I say thank God for that. If we know the date we are going to die, we go crazy with waiting. And that is not all. We don't know for sure what life is like on the other side. This means that most of us will end up in a mental hospital, because we wondered too much about what our other life will be like.

How will we get to the other side? Most of us will be sealed up in a box and buried under the Earth. How will we get out of that?

Maybe our spirit will get out, but who wants to be a ghost? That is not being real. We all know that a ghost is just a figment of the imagination of the mind. Yep, some people can make themselves believe anything.

I just thought of something. A funeral costs money. Look at those caskets that we are buried in. What a waste of money. A work of art, gone under ground so no one can see it. It would be a lot better to use those coffins as flower boxes. If they were planted full of flowers, they would look beautiful near a driveway.

A coffin full of flowers would look so good on a patio. But the best yet - now I'm only saying this because of what I was told. I don't believe it - but I was told that a coffin is waterproof. It is suppose to be tighter than a fiberglass boat. Yes sir, they would make a good raft for hunting saltwater ducks. Just think, the casket is moored out near the Cabot Island. You are laid back, almost like you were laid to rest. The duck flying by would see you, then decided to fly closer, just to pay their last respect. And when they do, up pops the corpse, and bang, bang. More ducks headed for the Duck Heaven in the sky.

Now that is enough about the coffin. I started writing this column about death and dying. Now, a lot of people have told me that they have seen a ghost. Now, if they have seen one, why haven't I seen one? If they are real, in my 63 years on Earth, why haven't I seen one. I'm a writer with a strong imagination. Maybe I didn't see one because I don't believe in ghosts.

Was Jesus a ghost? This is something I've been asking myself ever since I found out about Christ. I still haven't found an answer. Was he the Son of God? I'm still not sure about that. But He was a good man (if those Bible stories are true), and a good enough doctor to bring people back from the dead.

Hmm, bringing people back from the dead is common now. The dead is just like a motor vehicle. When the starting motor gives out, we just get jump start with a set of booster cables. But is that the reason we come back. Maybe it is because God don't want us and the Devil wants no part of us.

I often heard that there is nothing good about death. That is wrong. It is good for business. A casket costs a small fortune. Then there is the cost of flowers and grave markers. And that's not all. When you die, you will get the beauty treatment. You will look better in your coffin than you ever did when you were walking the Earth.

Why look good after we are dead? God doesn't care how we look. But maybe the men are trying to get a date with an angel and the women are hoping St. Peter will take them out.

And why so many flowers on a coffin? Maybe people are gift wrapping the casket before shipping it to the other side.

Then there are the grave markers. Now why the grave markers? A written record in the family Bible is a lot better because there is no trouble looking after that record. And remember, after a few generations, you're forgotten.

When I die, there will be no digging a hole for me. My old carcass will be thrown into a hot place and rendered into ashes. Now I loved to have my ashes sprinkled on the Confederation Building lawn. But we all know how contrary our government is. They are too afraid of me haunting them.

So, take my ashes into the barrens and let the wind blow them all over the country. Then I can rest in peace.